This is re-posted from Progressive Boink, where I originally posted it in 2010.
Fajitas
A handful of stew meat
Tortillas (2, probably)
Soy sauce
A thing of mushrooms
An onion
A yellow bell pepper (might be referred to as a banana pepper in some stores)
Cheese
Place the stew meat in a bowl with about a cup of soy sauce. Stir until mixed, and allow it to marinade [sic] for 5 minutes. While it's marinading [sic], chop up the mushrooms, onion and bell pepper. Turn the stove top as high as it will go, and when it's all the way hot, put them in the pan. Press them down really hard with a fork to get the authentic restaurant appearance. The juice from the mushrooms will give everything a smoky flavor.
Remove stew meat from marinate [sic] and place in George Foreman grill. Save marinate [sic] in the refrigerator for later use. Leave the meat in the grill for 25 minutes to ensure smoky flavor. Take battery out of fire alarm and toss it in the middle of the hallway so you don't forget. If you don't have a timer, you can tell the meat is done if smoke (toxins) aren't coming out of the grill anymore.
Remove vegetables from pan ten minutes ago. Take tortillas out of the fridge and place everything in the tortillas, including the cheese. If the meat is too dry, rinse it with water for a minute. If using American cheese it's probably best to tear up the slice into small triangles and sprinkle it in. Serve with Big K Cola. Abandon tortilla when it rips; place it in the marinate [sic] from before so you can use it for tortilla soup in the future.
Tortilla soup
[redacted]
Shrimp sandwich
Frozen tray of shrimp from grocery store
Hamburger buns (hot dog buns will work if you're not picky about the shape)
Soy sauce
Shrimp is so flavorful that you don't have to make it all fancy to enjoy its seafood-esque flavor. Plus, it's healthy and has amino acids. Get ready for a real New Orleans treat!
Turn stove all the way up. Take shrimp out of freezer and "flash-fry" it by putting them straight on the pan. This will seal the smoky flavor inside the shrimp. The ice around the shrimp should melt right away, resulting in a shrimpy water solution. After 20 seconds, remove and place between two hamburger buns. Serve. Try to eat around the tails if practical. Make sure you remember to clean the shrimpy water solution out of your pan, because if you leave it there it'll smell really grody. You cannot use it as a marinate [sic].
Guacamole
2 avocados
Bacon bits
Soy sauce
Salt
Guacamole is made with avocados, nature's rigid treat. Unfortunately many grocery stores tend to keep them until they're kind of soft (rotten). Try to find the hardest avocados you can.
Cut open the avocado and try to remove the pit. Peel the skin off with a vegetable peeler (knife or pocket knife works too). Place the remaining avocado into a blender for 30 seconds. Place in a bowl filled with a small amount of soy sauce. Sprinkle with bacon bits and salt. If guacamole is inedible, fill bowl with water so that everything gets soft. If this does not work, add whatever other ingredients might get it soft (cooking oil?) and microwave it for three minutes, resulting in a Super Bowl delight! Serve with tortilla chips if you have any.
Rice
Rice is cheap, tasty, and can be served in countless ways. It is known as a "stapler food" [sic] in many regions of the world where the people are poor and/or having revolutions.
Pour one glass of rice into the pot. Then fill the glass with water and pour it into the pot, ensuring that you have the same amount of rice and water. Turn the stove on high and let it broil [sic] for 30 minutes. This will cause a lot of steam, so cover the pot with a dinner plate. If your pot has a lid and you know where it is, cover it with the lid.
After 30 minutes, turn off the heat and serve...uh. The rice will probably be really hard, so at this point pour two more glasses of water into the pot and broil [sic] it for another 20 minutes. Then turn off the heat and serve. The...the result will be a lot like soup, so basically you have rice soup now. Garnish with soy sauce.
Steak
Ah, steak. The food of nature. But why does it have to be so flippin' expensive? The best cuts of steak, such as sirloin, angus, primerib, and organic, can cost a lot of money. Fortunately, your local grocery store stocks a well-kept secret: pork shoulder. It's basically steak because it's meat and red.
Steak tastes great coming out of a George Foreman grill. Normally you want to cook your meat until you can step into the next room and not hear your Foreman grill anymore. Not so with steak! Anthony Bourdain, legendary sauce-chef [sic], says on his show that people who like their steaks "well done" are suckers. Hats...er, chef's hats off to you with this one, Mr. Bourdain. Marinade [sic] the pork steak in soy sauce for 5 minutes. Tenderize it by putting it on the kitchen counter and placing something pretty heavy on it. (A 12-pack of Coke cans could work. You might not see Emeril do this, but in the world of culinary [sic], creativity is king!) Leave it there for another five minutes. This will encourage the meat to fully metabolize the marinate [sic].
Now place it in the Foreman grill. Pan-sear it for about four seconds or until the outside gets kind of white. Cut it in half and you should see that the inside is red. That means you've cooked it medium rare. Congratulations, you have just cooked a Rennessiance [sp?] masterpiece! If you barf later it's probably because the pig was not killed Kosher style.
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