I am presently suffering from a horrific bout of allergies, and I estimate that I have spent approximately 5-10% of my waking hours today in some stage of the nose-blowing cycle (finding materials into which to sneeze, blowing my nose, getting up and walking to the garbage). Under such conditions, one's personal supply of such materials is capable of depleting at an alarming rate; just like that, one can find one's self completely out of tissues.
What follows is an order of succession of sorts. If the top item is unavailable, simply work down the list until a material is available.
1. Name-brand tissue paper
2. Store-brand tissue paper
3. Discount-brand tissue paper branded with name that explicitly emphasizes wise decision-making on the part of the consumer (AlwaysSave Best Choice, et al)
4. Paper napkin
5. Toilet paper (premium)
6. Paper towel (premium)
7. Toilet paper (discount)
8. Paper towel (discount)
9. The inside of your elbow [EDITOR'S NOTE: This is popularly known as a "Dracula sneeze." This is practicable if you only need to sneeze once. More than twice, and you suddenly have a bodily nook that glistens with snot. THINK! Know when to stop.]
10. Blank sheet of paper
11. Sheet of paper that was actually used by someone at some point
12. Sheet of paper that still contains information of value to someone
13. This list (if printed)
14. Your hands
15. The upturned belly of your shirt
16. Sanitary toilet seat cover
17. The sink
18. The toilet
19. The garbage
20. Sales receipt
21. A text-only evangelical tract
22. An evangelical tract with illustrations
23. A drinking glass
24. Your wallet or purse
28. Your hat
29. A dinner host's refrigerator
30. A dinner host's spice cabinet
31. A cup of coffee you ordered because you wanted to use the Internet
32. Your least favorite paperback that you own, opened to any page
33. Your least favorite paperback that you own, opened to the one page in which Henry Chinaski isn't being terrible to women or empathizing with a dog or kicking a dog
34. A cup of coffee you ordered because you wanted it
35. A paper plate
36. A styrofoam plate
37. A dinner host's dishwasher
TO BE CONTINUED
Talk to me when you get to "Aluminum foil that was used to wrap a sandwich, which sandwich you are currently eating."
ReplyDeleteI'd think a dinner host's dishwasher (dirty) should be higher up the list. Dishwasher (clean) is about right where it is.
ReplyDeleteI once performed unspeakable acts of personal hygiene using only pages torn from the Book of Mormon. I do not feel guilty. Also, I am not a Mormon.
ReplyDeleteAt my mom's school they're trained to sneeze into the tops of their shirts, which in my experience just leads to snot-covered cleavage.
ReplyDeleteI'm kinda concerned how anybody could get past number 14.
ReplyDeleteWhat about, on your husband. I've done that before, not out of necessity though.....
ReplyDelete