Midwest Divorced Dad

A while back, I was talking with my friend and Progressive Boink associate, Justin. We've come up with a couple of characters for no purpose in particular; we just enjoy going back and forth and elaborating on them. The first one was Justin's "Negligent New England Dad."

That inspired mine, which is Midwest Divorced Dad.

FOOD

Jon: "midwest divorced dad"
Jon: bud! you got your legos all over the ding-dang floor! you need to pick 'em up, okay spud-bud, before i sell ya to the gypsies!
Jon: for dinner he makes you a sandwich of white bread, ham, a thick slice from a block of cheddar cheese, and some ketchup
Justin: washed down with a glass of powdered fruit punch, except he didn't stir it all the way so there's still little clumps of unmixed solution floating in the glass

INTERESTS

Jon: midwest divorced dad is actually a loving, responsible individual, but is generally bewildered by the prospect of having kids in his house again
Jon: sits there in his sweatpants with dried paint on them and a t-shirt he's owned for 20 years. reads a magazine centric to some weird obscure hobbty he has, while watching college basketball so you can't play video games
Justin: for entertainment he's got a basket full of VHS movies you'd find in a pediatrician's waiting room
Jon: doesn't call them movies, but "videos." also refers to movies in the theater as "videos"

A WEEKEND WITH MIDWEST DIVORCED DAD

Justin: tries to sell the idea of sleeping on a futon as comparable to camping out in the living room. pitch becomes less enthusiastic and appealing with each weekend.
Jon: hey, spud-bud! picked up the latest "super duper baseball bloopers" video. i also snagged a video about pistol pete maravich from the blockbuster! whattaya say, spud?
Justin: loooooooooool @ "spud-bud"
Jon: "spud-bud" is such a midwest dad thing, from my experience
Jon: also uses rated-PG versions of otherwise vulgar colloqualisms
Jon: dangit, i might have to turn down the heat. it's hotter than the devil's underpants in here!"
Justin: ahahahahaha
Justin: crud on a cracker, someone should tell those nitwits down at the blockbuster that "be kind, rewind" isn't a suggestion!
Jon: his 10-year-old vcr eats the tape, he grimaces
Jon: "whelp. poop."
Justin: "wonder if i can get them to cut me some slack on the late-fees..."

RUNNING ERRANDS WITH MIDWEST DIVORCED DAD

Jon: also he spends every saturday doing some inane home-improvement task. it always involves paint, which he inadvertently drips all over your stuff. gets some paint in his hair, it's still there sunday morning
Justin: involving six trips to various home goods stores, ensuring that even if you do get to watch TV or play a game, you're never going to get more than twenty minutes of uninterrupted screen-time
Justin: he always gives a quarter for the gumball machine row, despite the better ones requiring fifty cents.
Jon: ahahaha actually all of them require fifty cents
Jon: you already put the first quarter in, it's the only quarter he has
Jon: "dad, could we go get some more change?"
Jon: "i don't know, spud-bud..."
Justin: not the knock-off chiclets one. all the flavors are either some variant of mint except for the yellow, which is banana
Jon: one of the roads on the way back is badly paved and has a lot of potholes, and that's all he's interesting in talking about
Jon: "geesh, this stuff would stop a nazi tank. sheesh!"

MORE ON FOOD

Justin: always makes an awkward joke about microwavable food being a "home-cooked meal!"
Jon: "this is a chef daddy-o special, bud!"
Justin: "chef boy-are-dad!"
Jon: hahahaha fuck
Justin: hahahaha he's one of those dads who thinks that adding something to canned food makes it a special recipe
Jon: splits a can of ravioli with you, gives himself less. to drink, he gives you a coffee mug with his alma mater's logo on it, filled with water at room temperature
Jon: man, what would that special ingredient be
Justin: puts parmesan cheese on spaghetti-o's or something and says "bet yer mom doesn't make it like this, does she, spud-bud!"
Jon: crumbled saltine crackers?
Jon: ahhhh it has to be crumbled saltine crackers. midwest divorced dad ALWAYS has a box or two of them sitting around

WELP

Justin: you play the game where you sit at the kitchen table spinning a globe and putting your finger against where you'll live until mom sends jeff to pick you up at six.