Saturday, September 15, 2012

This blog sucks and is dead!

Over the last year or so I've been too busy writing elsewhere to pay much attention to this blog, so I may as well direct y'all to stuff I do elsewhere.

My day job: SB Nation. I've been there in some capacity or another since 2009, first as a lead editor and later as a features writer. You can see all that bullstuff here.

My side thing: Progressive Boink. I co-founded this site in 2003, and now it exists as a blog in the SB Nation network. This is where my pals and I write about basically anything and everything.

Elsewhere, I've contributed to various other places, including VICE, Jezebel, Baseball Prospectus, and the Toronto Star. You can follow me on Twitter at @jon_bois if you want to be all dumb about it.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Y'all.

At the age of nine, I moved from Kansas City to Atlanta, and upon starting fourth grade there I quickly developed a lot of classist sentiment. And that's a weird thing for a nine-year-old to have, but it was there. I was used to comparably nice and well-funded public schooling and was dropped all of a sudden into an underfunded, overpopulated school district.

My classroom was in a dilapidated trailer that leaked when it rained. My brother's classroom was a repurposed janitor's closet. I learned long division in third grade, and acquired this stupid, obnoxious air of superiority upon learning that none of my new friends went through the entire fourth grade without knowing how.

And I was introduced to the phrase, "y'all." I had never heard it before, and all of a sudden, everyone was saying it. For a while, I resisted it. I decided it was "redneck talk," which, as it happened, was entirely compatible with my newly-acquired system of looking down on anyone with a Southern accent.

And then I lived there a little longer, and I got over it, thank God. I added "y'all" to my vocabulary. It's still a mainstay, and for good reasons: it's endearing, it's easy to say, and most importantly, it's a plural second-person pronoun for which the English language has no satisfactory substitute.

The only caveat is that in order to use it, you'll have to get over whatever weird bullshit about that word that you have going on, and so will the people you're talking to. For most these days, I don't think this is a problem. "Y'all" has spread. People in California and Chicago and Maryland say it. I would imagine that plenty of people in Kansas City use it.

But it certainly hasn't penetrated all socioeconomic circles, and sometimes you'll run into people who hold "y'all" in the same disdain I did when I was nine. If you're one of these people, you should find a way to deal. Until then, you are an asshole who doesn't know a terrific note of English when you see it.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Black Friday.

Between the ages of 18 and 22, I worked at Radio Shack and experienced four Black Fridays -- or, as management called them, Hot Fridays. (The "Hot" was a motivational acronym for something too boring to get into here.)

The first one, as well as the month that followed it, was fun. I spent nearly all of my time on the clock taking inventory from a store in one mall, loading it into my car, and sitting in gridlock for an hour to take it to a store in a second mall exactly half a mile away. This probably doesn't sound like much fun, and it certainly wouldn't have been, had I not recently blown most of my savings to install two 10" woofers in the back of my busted old Oldsmobile. Ten years later, I associate Outkast's Aquemini with Christmas more closely than most Christmas music.

That was the only fun one. Black Fridays are miserable for most in the retail industry, but in order to understand what made a Radio Shack Black Friday especially miserable, there are a couple of things you must understand about this company.

Firstly, those in the lowest tier of employment -- the sales associates -- live off cell phone sales. If I sold you a phone with a two-year contract, I made somewhere between $20 and $40, which was pretty big relative to the $6.45-an-hour pay. The setup process was pretty complicated and took some time to learn, and the problem with this was that those who had been around the longest -- eventually, me -- spent all their time assisting new employees without actually making any money myself.

Secondly, this happened all the time during the holiday season, when stores would go on a hiring blitz and double the size of their staff. The stores often over-hired, and the result would be a dozen employees taking up space without enough business to go around.

Which finally brings me to the reason I'm writing any of this: my final Black Friday. I was working at a Radio Shack in a dying mall in Roanoke, Virginia.


Tanglewood Mall was near death. It was made up of dozens of shuttered storefronts, and maybe about 10 stores that were actually operational. One was an Asian buffet, the owner of which once told me that he went four full days without seeing a single customer. It was in this mall that Radio Shack decided to expand a staff from its usual three-to-four employees to 14.

Coincidentally, in this same year, Radio Shack decided it was going to skip out on buying newspaper inserts in most markets. I can't remember the reasoning behind this decision, but by the end of the month they were profusely apologizing for it.

All 14 of us showed up at four in the morning. Our manager, a complicated individual who made a habit of hysterically (and falsely, of course) accusing me of stealing things from the store, fired one employee on the spot because her sweater was an improper shade of red. The remaining 13 of us stood at the front of the store, anxiously awaiting a legion of customers, and opened the doors at 4:30 A.M.

The first customer walked in at about seven. Before that, we had seen maybe five or six people walk through the mall, one of which began to walk in before seeing all 13 of us desperately staring at him, freezing, and turning a 180.

There's another thing I should explain. I don't enjoy speaking ill of Radio Shack, an entity that, after all, employed me for nearly four years. But when Radio Shack hired new employees, they lied to them. They told them that most employees made an average of upwards of $15 an hour. They told this lie every year when I worked in Louisville, and they told it when I worked in Virginia.

By around 10 in the morning, the store had seen four customers and about $40 in total sales. A couple of new employees confronted my manager regarding the things they were promised. She cursed them out and sent them home. We were down to 11.

Early that afternoon, a couple came in to return a cell phone they weren't happy with. I made a call to restore service to their old phone, and in the process, the person on the other end misunderstood me, cancelled their account entirely, and rendered their old phone number completely irretrievable. As I frantically worked to correct the issue, they grew more angry.

I explained the situation to my manager, and she exploded, shrieking at me, eventually welling up with tears and calling me an idiot and a moron and all sorts of things.

I looked down at my name tag, which boasted my name in my own handwriting on a slip of paper taped to the front. I looked at my hand. I am going to put this on the counter, I thought, and then I am going to leave.

My clothes were wrinkled and a little smelly, because I had used my laundromat money to buy peanut butter and bread. The sole of one of my shoes had become half-unattached, and made an extra clapping noise whenever I walked too fast. Out in the parking lot, my car's gas tank probably had enough gas in it to get me home. At home, on the coffee table, there sat a shut-off notice folded into an electric bill that my roommates and I were unsure of how to pay.

I turned around to look at the couple. They had watched the whole thing. They no longer looked angry. The woman mouthed, "I'm sorry."

For months, I had this fantasy of -- well, first of all, of there being a better job available to a no-college kid in the western Virginia hinterlands, and secondly, me landing this job, waiting for my manager to treat me like human garbage one last time, and then dramatically ripping off my name tag and leaving. The first part wasn't here, but the second was. This was it.

My name tag stayed. I stayed for the rest of my 18-hour shift, and then stayed a few months longer.

If you work in retail during this time of year, it's difficult for you to place yourself in Normal America. You get this feeling similar to the feeling experienced perpetually by servers, bartenders, nurses: that you, for reasons literal and abstract, in moments great and small, are not them. You think of the Americans you see in commercials, the ones who eat bacon and eggs on Saturday mornings, who invest in stocks, who are allowed to paint their living rooms. You are something, but whatever you are, you are not them.

Tomorrow morning, well over a million people will wake up unreasonably early to work retail. Many of them surely aren't living out the bummer I lived, but some of them -- maybe the ones laboring away in the malls -- surely are. These are the people I think of at this time of every year: living in shit, because it's the only place left to live.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Excerpts from a recipe book written by a 19-year-old who just got his own place.

This is re-posted from Progressive Boink, where I originally posted it in 2010.

Fajitas

A handful of stew meat
Tortillas (2, probably)
Soy sauce
A thing of mushrooms
An onion
A yellow bell pepper (might be referred to as a banana pepper in some stores)
Cheese

Place the stew meat in a bowl with about a cup of soy sauce. Stir until mixed, and allow it to marinade [sic] for 5 minutes. While it's marinading [sic], chop up the mushrooms, onion and bell pepper. Turn the stove top as high as it will go, and when it's all the way hot, put them in the pan. Press them down really hard with a fork to get the authentic restaurant appearance. The juice from the mushrooms will give everything a smoky flavor.

Remove stew meat from marinate [sic] and place in George Foreman grill. Save marinate [sic] in the refrigerator for later use. Leave the meat in the grill for 25 minutes to ensure smoky flavor. Take battery out of fire alarm and toss it in the middle of the hallway so you don't forget. If you don't have a timer, you can tell the meat is done if smoke (toxins) aren't coming out of the grill anymore.

Remove vegetables from pan ten minutes ago. Take tortillas out of the fridge and place everything in the tortillas, including the cheese. If the meat is too dry, rinse it with water for a minute. If using American cheese it's probably best to tear up the slice into small triangles and sprinkle it in. Serve with Big K Cola. Abandon tortilla when it rips; place it in the marinate [sic] from before so you can use it for tortilla soup in the future.

Tortilla soup

[redacted]

Shrimp sandwich

Frozen tray of shrimp from grocery store
Hamburger buns (hot dog buns will work if you're not picky about the shape)
Soy sauce

Shrimp is so flavorful that you don't have to make it all fancy to enjoy its seafood-esque flavor. Plus, it's healthy and has amino acids. Get ready for a real New Orleans treat!

Turn stove all the way up. Take shrimp out of freezer and "flash-fry" it by putting them straight on the pan. This will seal the smoky flavor inside the shrimp. The ice around the shrimp should melt right away, resulting in a shrimpy water solution. After 20 seconds, remove and place between two hamburger buns. Serve. Try to eat around the tails if practical. Make sure you remember to clean the shrimpy water solution out of your pan, because if you leave it there it'll smell really grody. You cannot use it as a marinate [sic].

Guacamole

2 avocados
Bacon bits
Soy sauce
Salt

Guacamole is made with avocados, nature's rigid treat. Unfortunately many grocery stores tend to keep them until they're kind of soft (rotten). Try to find the hardest avocados you can.

Cut open the avocado and try to remove the pit. Peel the skin off with a vegetable peeler (knife or pocket knife works too). Place the remaining avocado into a blender for 30 seconds. Place in a bowl filled with a small amount of soy sauce. Sprinkle with bacon bits and salt. If guacamole is inedible, fill bowl with water so that everything gets soft. If this does not work, add whatever other ingredients might get it soft (cooking oil?) and microwave it for three minutes, resulting in a Super Bowl delight! Serve with tortilla chips if you have any.


Rice

Rice is cheap, tasty, and can be served in countless ways. It is known as a "stapler food" [sic] in many regions of the world where the people are poor and/or having revolutions.

Pour one glass of rice into the pot. Then fill the glass with water and pour it into the pot, ensuring that you have the same amount of rice and water. Turn the stove on high and let it broil [sic] for 30 minutes. This will cause a lot of steam, so cover the pot with a dinner plate. If your pot has a lid and you know where it is, cover it with the lid.

After 30 minutes, turn off the heat and serve...uh. The rice will probably be really hard, so at this point pour two more glasses of water into the pot and broil [sic] it for another 20 minutes. Then turn off the heat and serve. The...the result will be a lot like soup, so basically you have rice soup now. Garnish with soy sauce.


Steak

Ah, steak. The food of nature. But why does it have to be so flippin' expensive? The best cuts of steak, such as sirloin, angus, primerib, and organic, can cost a lot of money. Fortunately, your local grocery store stocks a well-kept secret: pork shoulder. It's basically steak because it's meat and red.

Steak tastes great coming out of a George Foreman grill. Normally you want to cook your meat until you can step into the next room and not hear your Foreman grill anymore. Not so with steak! Anthony Bourdain, legendary sauce-chef [sic], says on his show that people who like their steaks "well done" are suckers. Hats...er, chef's hats off to you with this one, Mr. Bourdain. Marinade [sic] the pork steak in soy sauce for 5 minutes. Tenderize it by putting it on the kitchen counter and placing something pretty heavy on it. (A 12-pack of Coke cans could work. You might not see Emeril do this, but in the world of culinary [sic], creativity is king!) Leave it there for another five minutes. This will encourage the meat to fully metabolize the marinate [sic].

Now place it in the Foreman grill. Pan-sear it for about four seconds or until the outside gets kind of white. Cut it in half and you should see that the inside is red. That means you've cooked it medium rare. Congratulations, you have just cooked a Rennessiance [sp?] masterpiece! If you barf later it's probably because the pig was not killed Kosher style.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The least ballin' whips on which to get a DUI.

If you drive drunk, you are dumb and selfish. That said, we may as well go ahead and acknowledge that some circumstances in which one could find one's self with a DUI are more humiliating, and less ballin', than others.

20. Bumper car.
19. Bicycle.
18. Push mower.
17. Recumbent bicycle.
16. Sled.
15. Covered mess wagon at a Civil War re-enactment.
14. Four-wheel dolly.
13. Covered mess wagon at a Gulf War re-enactment.
12. While doing a "walk the dog" yo-yo trick (could also be sort of ballin' though).
11. Two-wheel dolly.
10. Rolling executive office chair.
9. Retractable dome of sporting arena.
8. Bicycle mounted to a stationary bicycle trainer.
7. Bubble mower.
6. Roller skate. Singular.
5. Bubble mower that doesn't light up or make any sounds.
4. Rolling suitcase.
3. Unicorn-themed carnival ride that a carnival hand operates and rides by himself at four in the morning.
2. Rolling suitcase that still has a "Tulsa -> Indianapolis" airport tag tied to it from 2008.
1. Trundle wheel.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Tomatillo chili with roasted pork shoulder.

I'm posting this here mostly so that I have somewhere to point people when they say they don't know what to cook. If you see this and decide to give it a try, you are making an excellent decision. This recipe is sort of involved, but... well, it's the best thing I've ever made, and one of my favorite things I've ever eaten.

I'm a believer in the idea that meat shouldn't be eaten on autopilot. If you're packing a lunch for tomorrow, just skip the lunchmeat you won't enjoy and make an avocado sandwich instead. Et cetera. Don't forget that a thing died for the sake of this meal. This road of reasoning would take a lot of folks down the completely reasonable path of veganism. But I am a selfish product of evolution whose principles are validated by social consensus, so roasted pork shoulder it is.

The pork shoulder component of this recipe was largely influenced by my buddy Pete (@sorryeveryone). I am in his debt forever.

TOOLS OF NOTE

- A large pot or bucket
- A blender/food processor
- A roasting rack (not absolutely necessary, but nice)
- An oven with a broiling rack (again, nice)

INGREDIENTS/INSTRUCTIONS

The meat:
- Bone-in Boston butt (these generally range between 6 and 8 pounds, and run for $12-16 at grocery stores around here. Remember: you want bone-in, not boneless.)

The brine:
- 1 cup sugar
- 2 cups table salt
- 4 cups orange juice
- 1 head garlic
- Cold water

In the pot/bucket, mix the orange juice, sugar, and salt with 4 cups water until dissolved. Separate the cloves of garlic, but don't bother peeling them. Crush them (one whack with a meat tenderizer would do nicely) and throw them in.

With the end of your knife, punch a few incisions into the meat -- maybe about 3/4" deep, five or six, evenly spaced, per side. Set it in the pot, and then add as much water as it takes for the meat to be able to get the meat completely submerged when you hold it to the bottom (it will probably float otherwise, and that's fine). Remove the meat for a moment, mix the brine one last time, and set it back in. Cover, refrigerate, and leave it for 12 to 24 hours -- the longer, the better.

The paste:
- 1 head garlic
- 6 tbsp. orange juice
- 2 tbsp. olive oil
- 2 tbsp. white vinegar
- 2 tbsp. dried oregano
- 1 tbsp. cumin
- 1 tbsp. chili powder
- 1 tbsp. salt
- 2 tsp. black pepper

Separate, peel, and roughly chop the garlic. Throw it in the blender with the cumin, chili powder, oregano, salt and pepper, and hit it with a series of 1-second pulses until it becomes a coarse paste. Blend in the orange juice, olive oil, and vinegar.

Preheat the oven to 325°. When the meat is ready, remove it from the brine and pat it dry with paper towels. Smear the paste evenly all over it, and try to stuff some into the incisions you cut. Set it in the oven -- on top of a roasting rack is best, but if necessary you can use a foil-lined cookie sheet and upturn the edges so that it keeps in the drippings.

The general rule is to keep it in there for an hour per pound. Flip the meat over halfway through. If the crust begins to blacken, tent it with some foil. You do want the tough bark on the outside, but you don't want it charred if you can help it.

While you have the oven going, get the chili together.

The chili:
- 2 lb. fresh tomatillos
- 3 medium/large green tomatoes
- 1 red bell pepper
- 1 green bell pepper
- 1 large white onion
- 1 tbsp olive oil
- 1 small (6-ounce) can tomato paste
- 1/4 cup brown mustard
- 1 cup dark beer (i.e., a dunkel)
- 1 cup strong coffee
- 1 tbsp. cumin
- 1 tbsp. chili powder
- 1 tsp. table salt
- 1 tsp. black pepper

Remove the husks from the tomatillos, rinse them, and halve them. Apply some olive oil to a baking sheet, set them skin up, and place them in the broiling rack. (If you don't have one, just place them on a rack beneath the meat.) Remove them once the skin begins to blacken (probably 5-10 minutes), and let them cool. Now halve the green tomatoes and keep them in there until the skin begins to blacken (probably closer to 15-20 minutes for these, but keep a close watch). Remove them from heat, and lastly, halve the peppers (removing the seeds first) and do the same.

Dice the onion, mince the garlic, and throw it in the pot with the olive oil on low heat.

When the tomatillos and green tomatoes are cool enough to handle, remove as much skin as you can, blend them in batches, and throw them in the pot. Remove the skin from the peppers, dice them up, and throw them in as well. Add the rest of the ingredients, stir thoroughly, and bring to a boil. Then set the heat as low as possible and allow it to simmer -- one hour covered, one uncovered. Stir occasionally.

When the meat is done, remove it from heat and let it sit at room temperature for an hour. A FULL HOUR. DO NOT BULLSHIT THIS STEP! Now pull out the bone, take two forks, and shred it up -- it should fall right apart.

Serve a healthy amount of the meat in a bowl with some chili, and crumble in some tortilla chips if you'd like.

Unless you're serving 10 hungry people, you should have a ton of leftovers -- that's sort of the point of this whole enterprise. Store the meat and chili separately. I know that cooking, let alone storing, the chili and meat separately runs afoul of several definitions of chili, but you want to do this, because it will retain the texture of the meat this way. Reheat the meat by crisping it up in a skillet, and it will be just about as good as it was the day you roasted it.

God this is so good.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The loss of innocence of the Great Lakes Electric Football League.

Tonight I was talking with Nick (of The Dugout fame), and the conversation turned to electric football. I found the following passage on the Wikipedia entry for "electric football":

The Electric Football League, headquartered in Highland Park, Illinois, held its 17th annual Official Electric Football Super Bowl & Convention in January 2011, in Columbus, Ohio. Jamel Goodloe (Auburn Tigers) was crowned national champion, as he beat Ken Allen in the championship game. Both players hail from the Michigan-based Great Lakes Electric Football League (GLEFL).


8:18 PM
sorry for that wall of text but that's like nirvana-level dork shit right there
8:19 PM Nicholas: ha
8:20 PM i imagine some 8 nerds standing around this championship game saying things like "this guy's unstoppable!"
8:24 PM me: hahaha yeah
8:25 PM "Great Lakes Electric Football League"
midwest electric football dorks. i picture them as the sort who eats meat for like 90% of their diet and gets bombed on schlitz
8:26 PM Nicholas: i like schlitz!
me: oh i'm fine with schlitz
just a very "40-year-old dude in joliet, illinois" beer
8:27 PM Nicholas: hahaha yeah that is true
8:28 PM i kinda want to join that league, win, and ruin it for everyone
like the whole shebang
find a job out there, do the entire season
act like a complete dick within the rules
just ruin it
me: you completely school them
"well, see you dorks later, gotta get back to my place in santa monica"
8:29 PM Nicholas: hahaha
me: (taps on ipad a few times)
"actually, maybe portland. who knows"
Nicholas: hahahaha
that would be so much fun
8:30 PM because then you've got this dynasty
me: just leave their egos reduced to nothing
Nicholas: like 4 seasons strong, 3 losses
yeah
and at the end of it all you completely denounce the entire thing
"this was literally a waste of 5 years of my life and i knew that going in"
8:31 PM me: "i mean, as long as you guys were committed to doing dork shit... you know you could have been at least studying chess, right? learning a foreign language maybe? something?"
"christ you guys are depressing"
8:32 PM Nicholas: or just tell them you cheated the whole time
me: accept the trophy at the presentation ceremony, look over it and see that it has various re-engravings on it, indicating that it's been passed on through 30+ years
"eh, you guys can have it, i'd probably just goodwill it"
8:33 PM Nicholas: hahaha "goodwill it"
8:34 PM me: you rudely blow off all the chapter meetings and "strat sessions" you're invited to, but they still keep inviting you back because they respect how good you are
Nicholas: respond to any courtesies or compliments with "WHAAAATTTT UPPPPPPPPPP"
8:35 PM hands out, head tilted
you could even adopt one of them as "cool"
convince him to hang out with you for a season or two
8:36 PM completely alienate him from the group
then just leave
8:37 PM me: hahahahaha
8:39 PM eventually he resigns to rejoining the stamp collecting scene he abandoned years ago because "it wasn't good for me"
8:40 PM they find him unconscious in a 7-11 parking lot two years later, clutching a stamp album
lay him up in the hospital, do toxicology tests, found he had four schlitzes in his system
"maybe he was just... really sad or something?"
8:45 PM Nicholas: hahaha 4 schlitzes
8:46 PM also that stamp collecting has a "scene" is depressing and revelling at the same time

8:53 PM me: got three pages filled with the same identical Frida Kahlo stamp
8:54 PM also got a bunch of edgar allan poe stamps
the EMT guy who flips through the pages isn't sure, but he gets the impression that he thought that the word "poem" was named after Poe
8:55 PM Nicholas: hahahaha
me: a page of "young elvis/ old elvis" stamps at the beginning of the book is crudely X'd out, a message scrawled over them
"I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE WORTH MONEY"
8:59 PM Nicholas: cop eyeballs the page, eyes float to the back of his head as he touches his thumb to each digit of his right hand
"forty-seven times 8... that's like 4 bucks who cares"
me: ahahah